Sad Monsters: Growling on the Outside, Crying on the Inside by Frank Lesser

Author:Frank Lesser [Lesser, Frank]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humour, Fantasy, Vampires
ISBN: 9780285642331
Google: FB6BAgAAQBAJ
Barnesnoble:
Goodreads: 11022672
Publisher: Plume
Published: 2011-09-27T00:00:00+00:00

Unsuccessful Monsters

For every Count Dracula, there are a hundred forgotten undead dukes, earls, and baronets. This is a list of monsters who never made it.

Merwolf: On full moons, this creature transforms into a vicious wolf with the lower body of a fish. On other nights it is just a regular wolf, furiously dog-paddling in the ocean.

Count African-Americanula: More politically correct than Count Blacula, but slightly less menacing to white suburbanites.

Reverse Medusa: If anyone looks at her, Reverse Medusa turns to stone. Not to be confused with Opposite Medusa, who can look at a stone and turn it into a person. A tiny, round person.

Minocentaur: Variously described as “a minotaur with the lower body of a horse” (Pliny), or “a centaur with the head of a bull” (Ovid), the minocentaur never really felt he fit in and tried his best to stay out of mythological events.

Germlins: Never get them wet, or they will catch pneumonia.

Frankenstein’s Mother: Unlike Frankenstein’s Monster, Victor Frankenstein’s mother constantly nags him about finishing med school. “Your cousin Morris is already done with his residency,” she will often remind him.

Giant Leprechaun: Although gargantuan compared with his peers, the giant leprechaun is only 5’5”, maybe 5’6” if he’s wearing the right shoes.

Dwarf Giant: Minuscule compared with his peers, the dwarf giant is only 5’5”, 5’4” if he’s slouching. The main difference between a dwarf giant and a giant leprechaun is the amount of green in their wardrobe.

Goylem: This self-hating golem converted.

Count Macula: This vampire lures trendy victims to his castle using the latest Apple products as bait and advises them to hide their neck wounds under black turtlenecks.

Pigfoot: A cryptozoological mystery, Pigfoot has four pig’s feet for each of his feet. The only proof of Pigfoot’s existence is his unique tracks, which look like two normal pigs walking side by side.

Deep-fried Kraken: A breaded and deep-fried giant squid often encountered floating in a pool of aioli, although in less sophisticated seas it is tartar sauce. Ancient mariners often ordered siren cocktails instead.

The Invisible-Skin Man: Due to a miscalculation in the formula, only the Invisible-Skin Man’s skin is invisible. He works at a plastinated bodies exhibit as the football-throwing guy.

Reverse Banshee: Shortly before someone dies under embarrassing circumstances, this hag dressed in mourning clothes laughs uncontrollably.

The Phantom of The Phantom of the Opera: This disfigured fan of the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical lurks in the alley by the stage door, waiting for actors to emerge and sign his acid-scarred playbill.

Andy Werehol: This icon is best remembered for his observation that in the future, everyone will be a werewolf for fifteen minutes.

The Loch Ness Lobster: This creature is reputed to live in Scotland’s famous loch, although a recent increase in sightings of puddles of drawn butter has led some cryptozoologists to conclude it has been eaten.

Atheist Witch: Born to a progressive family of reformed Wiccans, the atheist witch doesn’t believe in magic and plans to pursue a more practical career as an accountant.

Midlife Wolf: Just as the so-called teen wolf first

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